I don’t understand.

“Yeh it’s well peng”

“Sorry I no understand?”

“It’s. Well. Sick.”

“Ha ha sorry I still no understand. I need England English!”

‘Don’t we fucking all’ thought Mug as she secretly listened in on Roo having a chat with H on Houseparty – which was an app on her school I pad.

“What language do you speak” asked Roo in an effort to show willing.

“Persian.”

Mug momentarily considered learning Persian to see if she too would qualify for some England English for she had seriously bust her balls trying to learn the teenage vernacular since 2007 and as with the make-up, it just kept evolving like a new Doctor.

Mug remembered a time when ‘well’ meant a ground watering hole, in good health and was an adverb when considering something; she remembered when ‘sick’ meant ill and ‘wicked’ meant evil, but Mug was present for the advent of a new dawn, when an unknown Pillock took all the words from the dictionary, shook them about and let them fall about against their new meanings. She found herself in her very own Upside Down with monsters who lived and breathed a new air, an air which eroded Mug’s very sensibility.

‘Well’ took the place of ‘really’ while ‘sick’ took the place of ‘reallyfuckinggreat’ just as ‘wicked’ also meant ‘reallyfuckinggreat.’ As Mug began to tolerate and acclimatise to these reallyfuckingstupid new meanings, along came Roo with a further revision which may as well have been a whole new language because what the hell does ‘peng’ mean? ‘Chore’ and ‘peak’ were reassigned to mean ‘steal’ and ‘reallysuperfuckinggreat’ while ‘out’ became a contraction of ‘out of order’ and ‘boi’ – well Mug assumed it was a contraction of ‘boil’, which left her wondering if this generation had enthusiastically learned to boil eggs and the like. These new revisions had pushed Mug to the limit; she had in reality wanted to learn Italian but the only way that was going to happen was if a tall dark handsome Italian bloke was to knock her door to pick up some of Mug’s old gym equipment that she had sold on E bay (for she had discovered that was a legit way to get fit men to knock her door). Instead Mug was forced into learning whatever nameless wank language she was being exposed to. #IblameJoeyEssex

‘Mug I had a well sick day today’ Roo said – like Mug was an old mate from Year 6.

‘Oh that’s terrible to have a poorly watering hole’ Mug replied knowing full well that it would get on Roo’s nerves as much as a well-sick-day got on Mug’s tits.

‘You know what I mean!’

‘Nah I’m afraid I don’t – please do explain it to me?’

No amount of requesting literal translations worked; these tumble weeds of shit continued to roll off the tongue of her precious, straight into Mug’s floral and fragrant path.

And yet, here were a bunch of teenage monster strangers practising their English – one of whom could only say ‘Roo’ over and over – who only ever had to say ‘I no understand’ for Roo to simplify or go back to England English to help them understand. In Mug’s frustration she took to pulling some ‘West Side’ poses while stood behind Roo as she nattered away to her new friends, or she would shimmy in and out of shot of the camera while trying to avoid being slapped.

As with everything else teenage, Mug knew she would have to endure this crap phase until the end, but even by then the Pickle would have picked up ‘fork’ ‘stin’ and ‘gart’ as part of her new vocabulary so Mug decided that it might be a good idea if she invented some of these new words in advance, that way she could be top of the game and be the cool one to use them first.

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