A resident thief.

Revenge. Each of the monsters loved a bit of ‘eye for an eye’ ‘tit for tat’ ‘rubbing each other up the wrong way’ and just general pissing each other off. Mug shamefully reduced herself to the same level of childishness and partook occasionally in what can only be described as all out war. Roo the most serial-pisser-off-er got on Mug’s tits the most, by borrowing/stealing her mascara, concealer and anything else she could lay her grubby mitts on. ‘But you don’t use them’ Roo would argue, which while it was a fair point, when Mug did want to use it she a) couldn’t find it or b) it had all been used up. If Mug managed to find it by accident in Roo’s room, she would use Mug’s old trick that she had used when she bought new stuff when she was married and declared that ‘she had had it for ages’ as if that somehow made it all ok. This drove Mug nuts. Mug would scour Roo’s room to see if there was anything she could possible nick to show the little madam what’s what.

‘Why have you got my empty photo frame in your room?’ Roo asked looking very puzzled.

‘Well, you know, I was just using it and it’s not like you were using it so there. Not very nice when someone takes your stuff is it – huh?’ Mug would say with a smug face until Roo pointed out –

‘Yeah, cos you’re really using that photo frame.’

Mug was screwed when it came to teaching Roo not to take stuff without asking because unless she wanted to use a Joey Essex calendar or go shopping smelling of Joey Essex’s My Girl, there wasn’t an awful lot to steal back.

It wasn’t just with Mug that Roo poached belongings. As she grew bigger she eyed Leroy’s inappropriate clothing and one by one dresses went missing, as too did crop tops and denim shirts. Leroy was livid. ‘I’ll teach the little shit’ she yelled as she confronted her little sister. Predictably an argument ensued and the belongings were taken back. This did not deter Roo in the slightest, so Leroy stole Roo’s favourite black dress and never ever gave it back to her, not even when the cries of ‘you’ve stolen my dress’ came.

The ultimate revenge came after Roo’s last pillaging spree, when Leroy hadn’t done her washing for 2 months and she was clean out of clothes.

‘Mug look at this! I thought these were my jeans but they are in fact Roo’s! They fit me!’

And with that Leroy crouched and stretched while singing ‘Oh I’m going to stretch my bum, my big bum, aw yeah! And SHE won’t be able to wear her FAVOURITE jeans because my big ass has stretched them! Aw yeah – aw yeah!’

Well Mug didn’t know what to say for she was all out of grown-up adulty adult words. One minute she was giggling with Leroy and the next she felt sweat trickle down her forehead for she knew the thunderstorm that was going to erupt when the evening came.

The rumbles crashed as if lightening had struck the house ‘THEY ARE MY JEANS! WHO SAID YOU COULD WEAR THEM? HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF….IF…’

‘If what Roo? If someone took your stuff without asking?’ said Mug in the hope that it might actually sink in.

‘Well I don’t stretch her stuff do I?’ she screamed.

‘It’s nothing that can’t be resolved in the wash.’

It looked like the moral may have stuck, but Mug wasn’t up for counting her chickens because experience told her that many of them would die a painful, mutilated death. Mug found solace in this one axe to grind; in being a stone and a half overweight, her clothes would always be safe from the resident thief.


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