Duck n’ Dolph’

Chalk and cheese – that’s what Mug’s mum called Mug and her sister Blair as they were growing up. Introvert/extrovert – some nice little sticky labels to stick on her girl mugs so everyone knew what each one did. As an adult Mug preferred to think of herself as the dolphin of the pair who took her time and liked to marvel at the deep unseen mysterious wonders of the world, while Blair was the surface dweller who liked to skim the water like a duck taking to flight –

‘Mug look at me flying about; you should be a duck like me’

‘No, I much prefer to be a dolphin – where I can dive to depths of the ocean floor and look at lost cities, sunken ships, lost treasures and an abundance of fish that you so love’

‘No, be a duck like me – look at how fucking amazing I am with these wings!’

And so the sisters went on; occasionally bickering about the best way to go about life, because for the best part they had learned to get on.

Duck and Dolph’ spent the weekend together. Firstly at Duck’s place on Saturday, which was lovely because Duck’s friend Belly came a long way to visit. Dolph’ laughed and laughed because Belly knew what Duck was like:

‘Oo there’s a paddle boarder out at sea; they must be out there because it’s high tide.’ said Duck sounding convincingly confident in her observation.

‘Shut the fuck up Duck! Listen to you trying to sound like you know all about high tides!’ cackled Belly as she tripped Duck up in her tracks.

‘I went paddle boarding in the week I’ll have you know.’

‘So you actually went on the paddle board?’ Belly asked knowingly.

‘Well no, I stood and watched.’

Dolph’ grinned. She hadn’t spent her adult life with her sister, for they had lived far apart, so she took her sisters ramblings as a ‘this is just what she does.’ But here was a friend who was accustomed to Duck’s fanciful ideas and she knew how to handle Duck’s flight’s to the fluffy clouds.

Sunday was spent on Dolph’s patch and the pair, along with Leroy and Woofalina took an excursion to Faversham for an amble along the Creek and a visit to see real ducks.

‘Do you know where we are going?’ asked Duck. Duck no longer used her senses to detect warm air currents or smells to direct her along her way, for she had sold her soul like many other ducks to the big Quack Nav in the sky. Dolph’ found it hard to tell whether it was Duck or the Quack Nav talking all the day long because both loved to give Dolph’ unwanted directions. Dolph’ prided herself on still being able to navigate journeys using her noggin and really fucking hated being told what to do. Duck loved Dolph’s ‘Annoy Button’ and pressed it whenever she got bored.

‘Yes, I think it’s this street we take to find the real ducks’ said Dolph’ with an air of uncertainty.

‘Shall I get the Quack…..’

‘NO. We shall just see where this leads’

As it happens they had taken the right street and managed to walk past Gob Feldof out for his Sunday stroll.

‘Where do we go now’ asked Duck who was now flapping around in a circle at not being allowed to consult the electronic God in the sky.

‘We go this way and that way and this way.’

They walked through the quaint historical streets down to the Creek and perused the vintage hi-fi at Benedict’s. A wander through the boat yard found them in some peaceful countryside where the three of them chatted. Once again the Quack Nav intercepted as Leroy discussed her new business plans: ‘you should do this with your business, you should do that – turn right in 100 yards.’

Leroy looked at Dolph’ (aka Mug) for moral support but experience told her there was no winning so it was best to just agree and be quiet until the trip was over. Woofalina in the meantime was basking in the muddy puddles that she met along the way and her milky white coat was black underneath like an indecisive rain cloud. Woofalina considered herself the luckiest of the four of them for she could not talk or take directions, not even ‘don’t go in the mud!’ Woofalina really was as happy as a pig in shit.

Back at the car the directions came once again ‘don’t let Woofalina touch the seats – she’ll have to go in the boot!’

‘No she won’t’ replied Leroy ‘she can sit on my lap.’

‘So how do we get out of here’ asked Duck ‘I don’t have to turn around do I?’

‘Yes, just go the way we came.’

For some strange and unknown reason, turning around was unacceptable to Duck. She reached over to the glove box to find her Crap Nav and hugged and snogged it all over while passers by looked on with horror. ‘I’ve missed you so much, I’ll never keep you away from me again’ and with that Duck popped her Crap Nav into it’s holder and fondled the touchscreen with her beak.

Dolph’ on the other hand was tucking into a chocolate covered rice cake which served as a distraction from nutting her sister, while simultaneously counting to 50.

‘Dolph’ you’re getting chocolate all over my seats!’ cried Duck as she tried to wipe it off the fabric upholstery.

‘OH – I’m sorry. Does. It. Piss. You. Off?’ Dolph’ didn’t say as she continued to flick flakes of chocolate onto her lap and seat.

Dolph’ turned around to check on Leroy who she discovered had strategically placed two of Woofalina’s muddy paws on the back seat; clearly she got her ‘take the moral low ground’ from her mother.

On the journey back Dolph’ and Duck chilled the fuck out. They loved each other really even if they didn’t fully understand each other. Irritating the hell out of each other had been part of their make up since they were young, and Dolph’ considered briefly grassing Duck up to Mum before realising that Mum wasn’t actually going to do anything to make it stop, because apparently they were adults now.


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