Snow, Rex and Stan too.

Mug enjoyed watching her fledglings grow-up. It was only with the youngest one that she felt a little bit sentimental and nostalgic for the cute faces and mummy I need you cuddles, but that came and went as quick as the ‘sharp scratch’ you get when having a blood test because she was beginning to see a light at the end of the tunnel – or so she thought.

SBB – the eldest monster – had settled down with her boyfriend Snow White; he was called Snow because Mug’s Mug adored him and so did Mug, but clearly not to the sacrifice-your-own-children extent that her mother did. Mug’s Mug could have a good moan about most people (Mug is sure this is where she got it from) except Snow – not even when Mug’s Mug accused SBB of nicking her Davidstow cheddar from the fridge and then found out it was Snow; not even THEN did Mug’s Mug have a bad word said against him for he was pure as the white driven, well, snow. Extra roast potatoes for the family became a thing of the past at Mug’s Mug’s house as they were declared set-aside for the hungry princess; Mug’s Mug also made special to trips to Morrisons because ‘Snow likes his steaks from Morrisons.’ Mug was totally, TOTALLY fine with his royal treatment.

Leroy accused Mug of modelling the same behaviour with Rex. Rex had been Leroy’s 50th boyfriend who she had met when she was 17. He was kind and loving towards Leroy, helpful and had a good sense of humour and Mug accidentally became complacent thinking that she wouldn’t have to worry about any more good-for-nothing boyfriends coming to the house. Rex had short arms and couldn’t reach high shelves and had the characteristics of the fun lovin’ dinosaur from Toy Story. “I’m ordering an Indian” he would say “what do you all want” he would say. ‘What’s not to love’ thought Mug? As time passed Rex would get all the extra roast potatoes and he would flatter Mug by saying “you’re the coolest mum I have” which made Mug feel all down with the kids that she would forget that she was 40. All was wonderful, until one day when Mug sent Dude to the fridge to find the bacon she had defrosted from the freezer the night before. “I can’t find it” Dude yelled and Mug patronised her dear boy for having ‘boy eyes’ because he couldn’t find a rain drop in a downpour. Mug as per usual wondered why she had asked him to find it in the first place because she knew she would have to go and look for it herself. Mug searched and searched the fridge to find nothing and momentarily questioned if the bacon had existed in the first place. She checked the bin and there was an empty packet. So up went the Wanted and Reward posters declaring a lock down and search for the evil and notorious Bacon Burglar – for bacon had gone missing before.

It didn’t take Mug long to narrow it down to two shady suspects, for the bloodied remains of two bacon sandwiches had stained two plates found on the side in the utility room, which was just outside of Leroy’s room: “Who the bloody hell ate all of my bacon” screamed Mug who had become slightly irrational over the matter; “it was Leroy” “it was Rex” chorused Leroy and Rex both trying to save themselves from the probably journey into Hades. “Touch my fucking bacon again and you’re dead” yelled Mug hysterically at Leroy, EVEN though she knew from the look on his face that it was Rex, because she couldn’t bring herself to a) yell at the poor boy and b) come to terms that Golden Boy had nicked her bacon. It was time to hide all future bacon in a bag of frozen broccoli because Rex wouldn’t think of looking there. As it happened the warning seemed to be enough because from that moment on they cooked pancakes for breakfast instead, which still hacked Mug off because why couldn’t they just have some bloody cereal or toast like normal people instead of dirtying another bastard pan?

Roo’s boyfriend Stan was still relatively new to the family and was still in his ‘yes Mrs Pattison’ stage. He seemed nice and normal so far and ate cereal and toast for breakfast.

One weekend after glancing down at all the unrecognisable shoes at the bottom of the stairs, it dawned on Mug that her family wasn’t actually getting any smaller; she seemed to be accumulating more humans to mother than those who had moved out. Roo’s new boyfriend and Leroy’s old boyfriend seemed to blend into the chaos of an already large family. Getting a hot shower before 10am became an impossibility and Mug’s dream of a small single storey cob house in the country seemed more of a twinkle on the horizon than it ever had. ‘Oh well’ she thought as she contemplated an eye for an eye; ‘when the monsters have their own homes, I’ll pick the one who caused me the most shit, and I’ll visit them unannounced, and, well – l’ll just never leave.’


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